The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Jamin-kun plays detective

So this week has been quite quiet.... our flatmate was down on the weekend to stay and her friend from Bathurst uni, tried out for Australian Idol...or was it Pop Stars? I cant remember, either way, she didnt get in. oh well. i thought it was a pretty brave thing to do.

Last night when were in bed, Jamin-kun was telling me how he had been looking for this blog. I am TERRIFIED he will find it, because everything in here that I talk about it just so…unhindered by what I think other people think….I don’t think I have really written anything bad about anyone, but I just don’t think I want people I know seeing me from such a raw, vulnerable angle.

He actually told me about how in his search for this blog, he had done searches that unearthed hundreds of other posts that I have made in various forums around cyberspace.

That TOTALLY freaked me out! It was like an invasion of privacy, cause I use secret names on all of them, but he knows some of my nicknames.

The one that worried me most was the posts I have made on a deafness forum, which I hate to admit to anyone that I go to. It is based in america, and the people on it all have a various degrees of deafness. But I think most of them are profoundly deaf.

Anyway, I feel like I can just talk about all the frustrations and sadnesses I encounter because of my hearing loss on there, and they totally understand. Deafness can be one of the lonliest things, because it quite often means you cant pick up the phone and call someone, or even talk to someone. Not a lot of people understand what it means to not be able to hear.

Anyway, Jamin-kun mentioned that he’d found this deaf site I had posted on, and my heart just dropped.

I said: “Oh no. Did you read any?” with a worried look on my face, and he laughed, and said, “What are you worried about, there was nothing bad in there?”, but it wasn’t that, it was the fact that I had been so open and honest about how much it hurts, and I didn’t want him to see that. Which is so so silly I know.

One of the things that gets me through every day is having people believe that I am normal, and that I hear everything, and that I feel like I am a part of things, and that I am happy. So for me to know he has read my post which says “To tell the truth, in a big group, it's so hard to follow the conversation, I just cant hear well enough”, that means he will know that my smiles and nods at parties are just to cover up when I don’t hear.

Urghhhh, I get that familiar feeling in my chest when I think about that. The whole feeling that I have to hide something!

Anyway, I told Jamin-kun that, and you know what he said???

“I like to know this stuff about you, it lets me understand you a bit more. And I like your deafness, it was something that attracted me to you in the first place. It makes me want to protect you.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the most wonderful things that anyone has ever said to me.

*sigh*

Happy now.

P.S. still wont tell him where my blog is though.

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