The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Rhymes of an Hour

Its dark again, i'm in the lounge room, It's 11:53pm. Eerily quiet down here, and cold, except for the sound of the music. Jamin-kun has retired to bed. Usually he is up until midnight or later playing video games, and yet lately I have been the one staying up lately.

There is a certain lonliness to the internet and computers that repels and yet compels me to stay here and search, read, and write.

I often worry about living in a dream world of the online, or "the Wired" as Lain fans would understand (Lain is an anime film about a girl living in a fantasy world of the Wired, which is a kind of internet, and soon the lines of reality and fanstasy are blurred).

Anyway, its a very eerie anime series, one of the ones that I have to admit affected me enough to SMS Jamin-kun from under the covers one night requesting him to come home from a party cause I was scared.

BUt thats another story (see my entry "Saturday Night" for THAT story!)

I remember times when I was living at home with my mum in Sydney, and I was really unhappy because of certain things that were going on in my life. I didn't like the people I was hanging out with much, didn't like anyone much, and didnt really feel like I fitted in anywhere.

At about age 19 and 20, I remember feeling so utterly alone, and sitting up in my bedroom, the scent of jasmine and midnight pressing itself against the windowsill - I'd be sitting there in the darkness typing just like I am now. And downstairs on the street, cars would be slowly driving up and down the street, people would walk arm in arm, cats slinking past.

Anyway, I remember this one night I had been out at someones house, drinking a lot. I was drunk and sad and lonely. I had gotten home, and felt so depressed, I just decided to go for a walk very late in the night. Everyone was asleep, it was a strange night, like a Wednesday or something, a night where there is just NOTHING open, nothing happening...Its like the world has died.

I went out of our apartment block into the darkness, and just walked.

I got to this street in North Sydney that I love, it's one of those streets that always has welcoming cooking smells at twighlight and kids playing, and huge trees over hanging it, and little terraced houses with friendly looking lights.

I walked in the direction of this street for some reason. I dont know why.

When I got there, it must have been about 3 or 4am. I was still really affected by the alcohol, and I just remember getting there and not knowing what to do, because it was completely dark, not a single light on at any of the houses, the street had this menacingly dark look to it. I thought I could see shadows walking down the dark pathway towards me. I was scrunching up my eyes against the darkness, and still see these figures moved towards me, that awful trick that the darkness plays on you. But I thought I could hear something too, but had no idea what it was.

I stood stock still in the middle of the pathway under the darkest part of the trees, trembling, trying not to make any noise, and then all of a sudden, I heard it. I heard the sound of wolves howling, very faintly, very very faintly, like coming from under the ground or something - I kid you not, and I have an explaination for it too - because of my bad hearing, I tend to get the sounds of the lost nerves in my ear, my brain actually plays a trick on me, plays the memories of the lost tones I cant hear - kind of like tinnitus, the disease where you get ringing and buzzing in your ears - I am hearing them all at once sometimes, especially when I am tired and its very quiet. Most of the time they sound like far off packs of wolves baying, at other times, it can sound like a kind of eerie wailing.

So there I was standing utterly alone in the darkness with these strange noises and darkness moving around me. What did i do? Was I scared? I had been terrified up til then, but then I realised that I really didnt care what got me, as I was so sad about certain things that had been happening (some of these had led to attempts at suicide), and I just wanted anything to get me, to end it.

And I just started to cry, in the darkness, sobbing, and felt so so heavy, I couldn't do anything, I just lay down beside the pathway on some of the garden that was built into the verge near the road. It filled with big soft plants and bushes, but it was wet from dew, and I got it in my hair, and on my clothes, but I just didnt care.

I lay down there and just cried for a while, I dont know for how long. It was one of the most disturbing experiences I have ever had.

And the whole time no one ever came up that little street - even if they had, they wouldnt have noticed me lying there in the garden under the tree.

Thinking about it now, is that kind of crazy? I mean psychologically crazy? Perhaps I could be institutionalised for that. I remember thinking much later that I would kill myself if I couldnt get the sounds of the wolves away from my head.

But when I realised I wasnt actually imagining them, and they were actually my memories of sounds, I tried to 'make peace' with the wolves, so to speak. And we formed an alliance of sorts.

They usually came, baying, out of the darkness, especially after I had been drinking, and when I was depressed. I welcomed them then, though. We howled together, like we did that night.

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