The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Monday, June 21, 2004

The Sadness of Things

well, here I am at work again. Its lunch time, but I have gotten so settled in my chair at my desk, I feel like I dont want to move. I know thats weird. I used to bound out of the office the minute the clock struck 1pm, and these days, I just don't care, I dont have the energy.

Anyway, I had a fairly boring weekend. Jamin-kun and I went to a party over the weekend, at a friends house in Bondi. It was ok - but you know what has happened? Our group of friends used to be huge and crazy, we would all meet for parties and drinks and dinners and things.

This year almost half of them have all gone overseas. There are only about 8 of us left, when there used to be almost 15-20! We were all friends through university, school, and friends of friends. It used to be so much fun to feel like part of huge group - we used to go to Music Festivals and 30 of us would rent a holiday house or bungalow somewhere on the Coast, Byron Bay or something, and hang out.

I thought it would never end.

But this weekend, I realised it had. It was over.

I don't mean that I will never see my friends again, and we will never have fun again, but I know deep inside that it wont ever be like the sense of crazy belonging and wild enthusiasm we had.

We were connected by our youth, by our freedom, by the constant search for 'something' that we thought was going to make life complete, and we could relate to each others' energy.

It has changed. We are growing up slowly. Here and there one of the gang ends up moving away, and working full time, and getting serious with their girlfriend or boyfriend.

It is sad, but makes the moments you have with your friends all the more poignant.

I remember standing in the midst of the crowd at the Sydney Field Day Festival. It was held in this huge park in the centre of the city, 'The Domain'.

There were over 17,000 people packed into the festival area. There were atleast 8 tents with different types of music playing.

The sun was slowly going down over the city, and the fruit bats were flying over the park heading south-east to Centennial Park. The heat was intense, because it was in the middle of summer. Girls with their singlets and skirts, guys with their t-shirts and cargo pants.

We were all together, our whole group, and so many other people we knew. The music was deep and rhythmic, and was just this heavy "boom boom boom, boom boom, boom".

I remember us screaming as the bands came on, one after the other, and of course we were hugging each other, and it was just crazy, so much happening around you, and so much energy in the place.

I remember standing there suddenly, really still, trying not to get caught up in the mad rush of feeling and audio and visual overload, and trying to really see.

It was surreal.

I stood on my tiptoes, lookin over everyones heads, and switched off my hearing aids.

Everything seemed to slow down into slow motion as the deep booming of the music became a low rumble through my body, and everyones voices were suddenly silent.

Only their faces were still animated, I couldnt hear much. Just the flashes of colour, and deep vibrating beat.

I suddenly pictured myself when I am 80 years old, sitting in a tiny house somewhere in the future. Perhaps I am surrounded by family, close to death, and am thinking about all the things in my life that I have ever done.

Will I remember this time when I was in my twenties? Will I ever remember this exact moment? This moment which I really felt was significant at the time, and has perhaps changed and influenced the sort of person I am and that I will become?

Will my grandchildren ever be able to understand what it was like for me then, and be able to recognise that I too was once young and full of life and energy like they were.

It is a hard thing for humans to accept, and especially for youth, that they could one day die. But we will come to understand it, because we will eventually have to face our own impermanence, there is absolutely no question about that.

Fragile, complex, everchanging.

I stood very still amidst the craziness of that music festival, and I was struck by the impermanence of everything, that heavy, slow sadness and beauty of things that do not last forever.

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