The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Yoga and parking cars

Last night I decided to go to a Yoga class in Mosman, a very posh suburb of Sydney, it's fairly close to where Jamin-kun and I reside.

I even asked Jamin-kun if he wanted to come, but of course he looked at me like I'd just asked him to pull out his eyeballs and give them to me.

So, needless to say, I went alone.

I drove over, feeling virtuous, and found a miniscule parking spot, which was the last one left in the street. It was dark, cause it was around 7pm at night, and there were some people walking down the street.

I get all weird when I have to park in a hard parking spot with people watching me. Like I always hit something cause Im freaking out about trying not to stuff up.

Anyway, so its dark, the parking spot is about 3 metres wide, and the car is about 2 metres 99 cm.

I'm pulling into a reverse park, slowly, slowly, my head out the window, praying I dont hit the shiny white car behind or the shiny black one in front (what is it about rich people and shiny cars????).

I hear voices, and a group of people are walking past. They see me inching into this spot, and start to slow down, watching me and talking in hushed voices.

The sweat starts to drip, and my foot starts to jig over the clutch, cause I'm holding it in such a position.

Then I think im as far as I can go, I stop, reclaim the wheel and inch forwards, hoping that this audience will just move the fuck on! And what do I do?

BAM! into the one behind! There is a crunch, but by this time, im so pissed off at the people that slowed down to watch me fuck up, that I got out. and left the car parked at this totally skewed angle, and with a dent in the shiny white cars number plate, and tried to walk calmly to Yoga. (when I came back later that night I hit the one in front too as I left, HAHAHA).

Anyway, so I get to this gym which has this Yoga class, and there are people lined up outside the "studio" as they call it, already!

This was like, 15 minutes before the class was meant to start, for gods sake!!

Anyway, I'm there in my ripped kahki cargo pants, and a dirty white singlet that I'd worn to bed (i love that singlet, cause its so comfortable - I've worn many of my pyjama tops to work as well, cause they are so comfy. I love the feeling of thinking while in a meeting in a board room "Im wearing my pyjamas, suckers!!! And you dont even know! muhahahahah")

And so, I notice that this girl is looking at me. Then I notice this other girl is looking at me too. And Im thinking "WHAT the FUCK are you all LOOKING AT!!!" and then I realised that every woman in there was discreetly looking up and down at every other woman, like, checking out what she was wearing, and obviously thinking to herself "omigod, those gym shorts SO dont match that sports bra she has on. and her HAIR! She needs a colour NOW."

urghhhhhh, its my worst nightmare.

In the Yoga class it got worse. We had this girl, "Jenka" or something, she sounded swedish, and she was filling in for someone who normally took the class. She had this nervous laugh that seemed SO out of place in the "studio", i really felt for the poor girl.

Anyway, Jenka says "Now. I look over here. Follow me." and puts her leg up over her head, and everyone struggles to do the same, and she starts LAUGHING at us, and Im thinking, if you want me to do this shit, this is NOT helping.

And this went on and on. Every weird, disorted position she threw at us, she then proceeded to grin like a maniac, and say things under her breath like "Yah, we do it like that. he he he, thats it, Yah. very goot. he he he.."

We could hear her, even I could hear her, because she had one of those microphone things on. I figured maybe she'd been smoking some j's out the back with Sven the masseur in order to make it through another night of "zis Yoga with imbeciles!"

So, weird as it was, I nicked off half way through. After all, I'd done 50 minutes of Yogo. I was fit and flexible. When I got home I ate sausages, herrings, chocolate, icecream and brocolli. In that order. Makes me hungry, all that exercise.

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