The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Are you willing to experience fear and uncertainty in your life in order to experience the extraordinary.

i know i said i wouldn't write again for a while. But I felt it would be bad luck to leave my blog on such a depressing note for too long.

So, something happened just then while I was working on the computer at work. I was flicking through the electronic calender they use here. flicking through all the years, months, saying to myself "march 2005, I'll be 25, April 2005, I'll be 25, January 2006, I'll be 26" and so on.

Just struck me that I probably wont be in the same job when those dates finally tick over in this electronic calender that I am using now.

Who knows where I will be.

Maybe this is the thing that has been scaring me so much, causing me to wake at night. For the first time in my life, I realise that I am actually living...That THIS is life, and not a dress rehearsal, and not university, which is "preparing me" for "Life"....and this is not how I thought my life would be.

I had pictures and dreams of what I thought I would be doing when I was 20, 25, 28, 30, 35, 40. My ideas of what I would be doing as a 24 year old, when I was 15 or 16 are VASTLY different to what I am doing now.

This means then, that what I am thinking I might do in the next 5 - 10 years, is no where near what I really will be doing.

Where on earth will I be??? For some stupid stupid reason, I really want to know. But wouldn't that be boring if you knew where you were going to be in 10 years time? There would be no spontaneity. No surprises. No fear. No excitement.

As much as I don't want the fear, I want all the other stuff so much, that I am willing to feel afraid in order to feel them.

That is what you've gotta weigh up, I guess.

Are you willing to experience fear and uncertainty in your life in order to experience the extraordinary. Am I?

I think so.

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