The Abysmal Life of Crayon

Experience the joys in the life of jaded Sydney-siders Crayon and Jamin-kun.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Gerbils are the best sort of person to be

I have been feeling sad lately. Again. I am sad sack. I am, once more, Abysmal Crayon.

Don't particularly feel like talking much, but there you have it, I can't help myself.

I also can't help but feel sometimes I wish I was the only person on the planet. Like, that there was no one, not a single person to annoy me, to tell me what to do, to ask me something.

I know it's irrational, because I all I want to do when I get home at night is talk to Jamin-kun. I don't know what it is about me a silence. I love silence. Perhaps it is because it is slightly harder for me to cope with so many external noises because of my hearing aids? I don't know.

All I know is I sometimes, just wish I could get far far away from everything - noise, light, people, animals, cars, trains.

There is so little space in the city, no where that you can truly be alone.

I used to be able to get that "alone" feeling more often when I was at university. At those times, I would go into a cafe, library, bar, walk the streets, and I just would feel completely disconnected to everyone, like, they were all so different, and I couldn't understand them, and they couldn't understand me.

However, these days, I dont get the "observer/flaneur" feeling, I just feel like I am part of the whole waterslide you know? I going up the stairs with everyone else, and I can't turn around and go back because the crowds too big.

I can't turn around and say "Get me the fuck off! I only want to watch!"

The only way is up, and when the time comes, the only way is down the slide, with everyone else. I feel like I am doing things i dont want to do because this is what everyone says is right and correct.

I was cursing myself as I walked up the street at lunchtime today. Cursing myself that I had not become an artist.

I was way to scared to go against the grain.

I still cannot believe it sometimes. I had always been so sure of myself. So, so sure! I used to write journals when I was in year 8 and 9, only pretty, scented pink paper, in one of those Diaries that locked up and had a key, and I wrote things like "Never let anyone tell you what to do, dont feel bad about being different...Be true to yourself. Do what you want to do. Oh, and I like Mark, that guy in the Maths class up the hall. And I hate Wendy, shes a back stabber."

It might seem idiotic now, but I tried so hard. But heartfelt desires can be so easily and cleverly masked by societal pressures.

I guess no one would really do anything if there was no one to compete against, or compare against. it'd be too easy just to drift into a comfortable flatness of doing the bare minimum, excelling in nothing.

But this is exactly what I have been agonising over. If this comfortable flatness feels good, is it so bad?

Sometimes i wish I was a tree.

Or a gerbil.

Maybe a peice of sand in the desert.

No, a gerbil is good.

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